DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing £200 Prada sneakers, and carrying a £400 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to mange your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the toilet door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Mr. Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met on a coach journey. It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said. "I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.

It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising...So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbert and gave her a Gob Stopper. Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with All Sorts

A dustman is going along the street picking up the wheely bins. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, and then knocks on the door.

Eventually a Chinese man answers...

"Harro", he says.

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toiret" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.

"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toiret I told you" says the Chinese man.

"Mate", says the dustman..."you're misunderstanding me... Where's your wheelie bin?"

"OK, OK", says the Chinese guy. "I wheely bin having w*nk".

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both manage to get to sleep, the woman in the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket. The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says "I've got a better idea ? let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good" he replies. "Get your own f****** blanket."